Mindfulness and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Mindfulness meditation is the art of focusing in our attention on the present moment reality and continuing to step back into a space of awareness as parts of us and parts of our experience arise and pull at our attention.
Sometimes our meditation can feel like a nice summer day—not too hot, some white fluffy clouds in the sky, maybe we have a thought that arises “I like pizza” and then passes, “oh I have an itch on my leg” and then passes, and we can gently invite attention back to space of awareness, or to rest with breath, as these thoughts and sensations come and go. This is “chill summer day” meditation.
But sometimes and maybe often times, especially when we are first developing this practice or getting back into the practice, it can feel more like monsoon meditation, or tornado meditation. Right? So I could be sitting in meditation in awareness, and a part of me arises in the form of physical tightness (tightness in my belly, shoulders, closing in around my chest) and even may have a narrative associated with it, “remember all those things on your to do list?? You should probably continue to think about these tasks over and over again until you accomplish them…perfectly”. So that, I may call my worry part, or perfectionist part. How intense is this part? How much attention is this part pulling? If it draws in enough of my attention, then it can take over. So now instead of being aware of that part, I am operating from that part, it is now driving the vehicle. So that may look like me getting up off the cushion,“I was going to practice meditation for 20 minutes, but maybe 2 minutes is enough, I got a lot to do.” So that is an example of a part taking over. And so what we can practice with in meditation is continuing to step back into awareness of that part and any and all parts that may be arising, so that it is awareness itself that is driving the vehicle, not our parts.
Sometimes when we are able to step back into awareness of the part, the part effortlessly passes, like a cloud in the sky. But other times, these parts are so loud or so intense that they don’t just pass. They’re sticky. This is where I would like to introduce the model of Internal Family Systems as a way of working with these parts.
Internal Family Systems is a model that was developed in a psychotherapy context to refer to the different parts of ourself, as parts of a family system within ourself, hence internal family systems.
Exile
We all have different parts, and just like a family system when there is a trauma or stress to the system, the system adapts to respond to that trauma or stress. And it can be just the unpleasant nature of being human that is enough for this vulnerable part to be exposed. And perhaps this part that experienced this emotional wound did not have access to really process the pain of the stress or trauma, or to develop internal resources to be with those difficult emotions. In Internal Family Systems, we call this part the exile because it is often barricaded off or exiled so we don’t have to feel the pain of that part.
Manager
And this exile part is kept vaulted up by another part that we may call the manager part, managing day to day life in a way that makes sure this vulnerable exile part is not hurt again, maybe by developing perfectionist or controlling tendencies, or may show up as an inner critic, as a way to shield against more emotional wounding. “Never again” is the motto of this protector part.
Firefighter
But inevitably no matter how much we protect against emotional pain, we are going to experience it from time to time. Remember, we kind of signed up for this when we entered this world in human form! There is a combination of pleasant and unpleasant, that is unavoidable in this human life, no matter how defended we may be against unpleasant emotions. And when we do experience unpleasant, the firefighter part may arise to help put out that fire of emotions. The firefighter lives by the motto, “when all else fails!” This is our fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. So this part may direct us to some kind of behavior that helps us to check out, distract, maybe abuse substances or dissociate in some way.
Self
This is an internal family system that needs healing. These are parts that need healing. And they may show up in meditation; of course they’re going to show up in meditation! And the capacity to heal these parts lies in this space of awareness that we are cultivating in mindfulness, this space of awareness that IFS calls “the self,” or self energy. So while these parts may be working hard to try to protect us, what these parts may really be needing is the healing presence of awareness or self energy. So when these parts come up in meditation and do not accept the invitation to step back, and are more loud and sticky, then that becomes an opportunity to hold space for these parts from mindful awareness, and to get to know these parts, how they show up in our body, what their concerns are, what their fears are, to acknowledge the burden they have been carrying to try to protect us—to have a conversation with these parts.
So let’s try it out! Let’s have a conversation with one of these parts. Below is a sample of a short guided meditation getting to know one of these parts.
All of this is an invitation so if any part of this does not connect, you don’t have to do it.
So we can start off as we often do, taking a few deeper breaths, allowing our body to settle again into our seat, closing our eyes if that feels comfortable.
And so noticing if one of your protector parts, a manager may be arising. Most of us have some form of an inner critic part, so we can always choose to work with this critic part
So first, locating this part, and noticing how this part may be showing up in your body or around your body. If it has a certain way of presenting in the body.
So now noticing how you may be feeling towards this part…If there is a feeling of not liking this part, wishing it weren’t there, maybe afraid of this part, then we can notice this part. We can ask this part to give us some space, maybe to step back so that we can get to know this other part. Is this part willing to step back? If it is, we may notice an opening up to this original part. If this part is not willing to step back, then we can take some time to get to know this part, what its fears may be if it were to step back.
If we do come to this original part with curiosity, compassion, and it feels safe to get to know this part, we can ask this protector part, “what would it like you to know?” No need to force or think of an answer, but more allowing an answer to emerge from this part.
We can also ask this part, what is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?
So you may try here offering some gratitude for this part for working hard to protect you, and see how it responds.
You can also ask this part how old it thinks you are. So if this protector took on its role at a younger age, does it still think you are that age? Maybe offering to update it and seeing how it responds.
Final question for this protector, what does it need from you in the future?
As you feel ready, you can begin to shift focus back together here, thanking this part for sharing with you, or even for letting you know that it is not ready to share.
Maybe taking a few deep breaths if you’d like as you come back.